‘Guilt is My Engine’

Jack Bordnick’s sculptural and photographic imagery is a reflection of my past and present forces
and the imagination of his life’s stories. They represent an evolutionary process of these ideas and how that all of life’s forces are interconnected, embraced and expressed thru creative art forms.
These works, represent he has accomplished with this art form. It is his quantum and metaphoric moment, the changing from one form to another.

guilt is my engine 

my doctors tell me 

I am ill  

I will need time to heal 

somehow not enough for me to register the fact that I am in fact ill 

I feel like a coy 

am I making all this up for a "free" salary I don't work yet 

I have an income 

what a life, huh! 

they keep saying 

not 

the good immigrant conditioning in me gives no space to any amount of mercy

I am worthless unless I am useful 

I am useless because I cannot work 

I am worthless because all I am is being ill 

I don't deserve no income for trying to heal 

voices in my head took 

everywhere possible they could 

a heavy weight on my shoulders 

a spasm down on my neck 

trembling on my knees 

who are we immigrants when we don't work?  

what is our use if we cannot earn? 

why are we here in their countries if we are ill? 

how is our presence meaningful if it doesn't help the white bodies? 

when have these thoughts become mine? 

I must really be ill

is there salvation from the hold of these thoughts  am I ever gonna be free 

from the machinery of guilt 

that drove me crazy to work over hours  take more cases 

accept more projects 

am I ever gonna be free 

from the machine of guilt that 

remind me in my every single action the pressure of my "responsibilities" 

not good enough. 

not fast enough. 

feel guilty 

not white enough. 

not sterile enough. 

feel guilty 

not cheap enough. 

not simple enough. 

feel guilty 

next thing you know 

you just 

feel guilty 

and 

feel guilty 

and  

feel guilty 

for not being able to cook for yourself 

for calling a friend to ask for help 

for falling asleep 10 minutes longer 

for not making it on time to your doctor's appointment for not going to sleep at 23:00 o'clock 

for not washing your makeup before bed time 

for not having the strength to go shopping for not being your cheerful self with your friends 

-instill it long enough in someone 

next thing you know 

you just 

feel guilty 

for just about anything 

and everything 

that comes out of your mouth  

that you cannot realize due to your bodily capacity you just 

feel guilty 

next thing you know 

it is your personality 

and they call it an illness 

it is called burnout 

or your way out 

of the job market 

fuck me 

my mind goes crazy 

isn't it though? 

be honest 

you are just lazy 

you are not sick like an old lady there is no open wound 

there is no concrete proof on your body then, you must be healthy 

and just another lazy 

immigrant bitter bossy 

who cannot work 

-sorry 

does not want to work 

but want the money 

and jobs 

and houses 

of white people 

because all you are is greedy  

greedy 

greedy.

Gizem özbek (she/they) is an emerging queer writer from Turkey based abroad for more than a decade, currently in Brussels. she works in the field of protection for human rights defenders and spends her free time with her dog, writing and reading. she lives, loves, and struggles between home in Türkiye, Brussels and her old home Berlin. Gizem's work has appeared on velvele.net in Turkish.