‘Guilt is My Engine’
Jack Bordnick’s sculptural and photographic imagery is a reflection of my past and present forces and the imagination of his life’s stories. They represent an evolutionary process of these ideas and how that all of life’s forces are interconnected, embraced and expressed thru creative art forms. These works, represent he has accomplished with this art form. It is his quantum and metaphoric moment, the changing from one form to another.
guilt is my engine
my doctors tell me
I am ill
I will need time to heal
somehow not enough for me to register the fact that I am in fact ill
I feel like a coy
am I making all this up for a "free" salary I don't work yet
I have an income
what a life, huh!
they keep saying
not
the good immigrant conditioning in me gives no space to any amount of mercy
I am worthless unless I am useful
I am useless because I cannot work
I am worthless because all I am is being ill
I don't deserve no income for trying to heal
voices in my head took
everywhere possible they could
a heavy weight on my shoulders
a spasm down on my neck
trembling on my knees
who are we immigrants when we don't work?
what is our use if we cannot earn?
why are we here in their countries if we are ill?
how is our presence meaningful if it doesn't help the white bodies?
when have these thoughts become mine?
I must really be ill
is there salvation from the hold of these thoughts am I ever gonna be free
from the machinery of guilt
that drove me crazy to work over hours take more cases
accept more projects
am I ever gonna be free
from the machine of guilt that
remind me in my every single action the pressure of my "responsibilities"
not good enough.
not fast enough.
feel guilty
not white enough.
not sterile enough.
feel guilty
not cheap enough.
not simple enough.
feel guilty
next thing you know
you just
feel guilty
and
feel guilty
and
feel guilty
for not being able to cook for yourself
for calling a friend to ask for help
for falling asleep 10 minutes longer
for not making it on time to your doctor's appointment for not going to sleep at 23:00 o'clock
for not washing your makeup before bed time
for not having the strength to go shopping for not being your cheerful self with your friends
-instill it long enough in someone
next thing you know
you just
feel guilty
for just about anything
and everything
that comes out of your mouth
that you cannot realize due to your bodily capacity you just
feel guilty
next thing you know
it is your personality
and they call it an illness
it is called burnout
or your way out
of the job market
fuck me
my mind goes crazy
isn't it though?
be honest
you are just lazy
you are not sick like an old lady there is no open wound
there is no concrete proof on your body then, you must be healthy
and just another lazy
immigrant bitter bossy
who cannot work
-sorry
does not want to work
but want the money
and jobs
and houses
of white people
because all you are is greedy
greedy
greedy.
Gizem özbek (she/they) is an emerging queer writer from Turkey based abroad for more than a decade, currently in Brussels. she works in the field of protection for human rights defenders and spends her free time with her dog, writing and reading. she lives, loves, and struggles between home in Türkiye, Brussels and her old home Berlin. Gizem's work has appeared on velvele.net in Turkish.
