The Machete Yelp Reviews of Sebastian’s Seabiscuits
Photographer - Tobi Brun
Jonathan D.
Davis, CA
3/5
Sebastian’s Seabiscuits was fine. I guess. Don’t get me wrong, I feel for the staff. But would I
come here again after what happened? Not a chance. I mean, I didn’t really see it. I was pulling
out of the parking lot when the guy got there. I think I saw the knife for a second. But still. Also,
racehorses aside, I still don’t have a clue what a “seabiscuit” is. The crab wasn’t half-bad though.
Rachel F.
Santa Cruz, CA
5/5
Please please please please please support Sebastian’s Seabiscuits! Like I’m begging! They need
support now more than ever! I get the criticisms– like sure, how did the guy get in? But what,
you expect these minimum wage high schoolers to risk getting beheaded so you can eat your
lobster mac and cheese? They’re such nice people. Would give 6/5 if I could. Great service! The
experience wasn’t their fault. Oh, and the food was pretty good too iirc!
Barnabus M. (Food Critic and Top Reviewer)
Sacramento, CA
0/5
Davis, California has a new restaurant and if I can say so based off of my experience (and I
really do feel like I need to say so), it’s a total f*cking death trap. Don’t eat here! It’s supposedly
a “new” restaurant, but it already has mold in the corners. The silverware looks old and has water
stains. The décor is old-fashioned if I’m saying it politely, and the breadsticks were stale.
Disgusting. And what on earth is a seabiscuit? Look, I’m not saying the deaths were their fault,
but clearly, they’re into the drug trade or owe money to the wrong people. So, actually, probably
is their fault. I didn’t even get to sprinkle some crackers in my bisque before blood was squirting
all over the place. And before people start sending me messages again, yes, this is my real name.
Delany J
Davis, CA
2/5
This place was a really weird way to start college. My roommates and I just wanted to get some
food after we got our nails done. We’re tired of our room already. I mean, three bunks in a 12-
foot space? What is this, the military? The university is totally abusing us. Anyways, we got the
grilled prawns for our appy and it was actually pretty good. Maybe too salty. I’ll have to drink a
lot of water before my workout in the morning. But not bad. I was really excited for my eggwhite
whitefish omelet. They said it comes with tomatoes, spinach, a mix of cod and haddock, and
avocado optional, but y’all know I’m a California gurlie so OF COURSE I’m getting my
avocado!!! And a good price, I think. $25. I grew up in Nevada and we don’t get a lot of seafood
out there, so it seems fair enough to me. Anyways, the guy with the sword walked in right when
my omelet got set on the counter thing where the servers pick up the food. He was dressed nice.
Sort of like Daniel Craig <3 But then he started hacking away at people and the servers just ran.
They just ran! They didn’t seem all that dedicated, and the omelet never came. Not sure if I’d
come here again. Depends how well they clean up the stains.
Curtis L.
Pensacola, Florida
1/5
Listen I paid for a f*cking service man, this stuff happens in real cities all the times but these
townies just freaked out and ran off like a bunch of rabbits or whatever. I paid for a service!
Where are my salmon tacos? They talked up the avocado drizzle. Well, you know what? I never
tasted it. They didn’t even give me a voucher for free food next time or nothing. Not that I’d ever
come back. Shouldn’t food be part of the service? Like, shouldn’t a comfortable sword-
murderer-free dining room be part of what we’re paying for? How the f*ck they gonna let some
dumba** with a machete in. Block the door. Say he didn’t reserve a table. HOW BOUT CALL
THE COPS. But no. California hates police. Let’s just let everyone take a machete to the neck
instead of trusting our bravest heroes. AND GOD FORBID WE HAVE A GUN ON HAND TO
PROTECT OURSELVES. I don’t know why my daughter wanted to go to school here.
#givewaitorsguns #impeachNewsom #f*ckcommunism #landofthefree #nationalguard
#f*ckliberals #demsrcowards
Dave
San Francisco, CA
4/5
Jeez. That was a crazy experience. I think they handled that psycho pretty well. Minor injuries, 2
deaths. But that’s the police’s fault for not getting there quicker. Machetes aside, the food was
good. I really recommend the lobster tarts. Sounds weird, but it was really good. Also, the Clam
Juice Monterey Mule was surprisingly refreshing. Yeah. I feel bad for the owners. Gonna be a
rough few months for them. I’ll go back next time I’m in town again though. I feel good
knowing that my son is going to college here given how kind the employees were to us after the
cops arrested that dude. Also, though, I’m really unclear about what a seabiscuit is. “Seabiscuits”
weren’t even on the menu, so I decided to google it, but the only thing that comes up is that
Tobey Maguire movie.
Jake Johnson is a writer based out of Davis, CA. They are an MFA Candidate in the Creative Writing Program at UC Davis and have an adorable dog named Bandit. Their work has been featured in Rain Taxi Review of Books.
