‘A Surgical Poem’, ‘Black Hole’ & ‘Stay’

Larissa Hauck: “Through the exploration of visual mythmaking, I confront the notions of queer identity, the resilience of the natural world, and the parallels between the fluidity of nature, gender, and sexuality. I place emphasis on the tension between the longing for control and the inescapability of change. Confronting the human urge to impose order onto the chaos of nature and where the line between the boundaries of the two exist.”

A Surgical Poem

In the Operating Room:
The doctor held my hand, and I knew I stood to be forever changed
Fluorescents glowed above me like some vision of a faraway heaven
The lights shone white-hot and blurred together as my sight quickly dimmed
My heartbeat hummed in my ears, the start of a symphony I wouldn’t forget
Patient laid on the operating table. Patient put under general anesthesia. Bilateral breast augmentation
with silicone prosthesis to begin.

In the Waiting Room:

I wore robes of lavender and maternal prints, creasing as they clung to semi-damp skin
I paced around the office like my time for judgment was nigh, waiting over an hour for the doctor to come in
I felt fear consume my thoughts which scattered like a startled flock of doves
I reached for my phone yet and again, to see received well wishes from those that I love
IV administered to patient along with pre-op medications. Surgical area cleaned and patient dressed in
hospital gowns. Doctor comes in to mark up the surgical area. Patient is led to the operating room after it
has been fully prepared for surgery.

In the Car:

I tapped the window and watched my fingerprints stamp and fade
We took the backroads and I was all the better for it, my aunt at the wheel softly humming
Waves of forest green blossomed before me as far as the eye could see
Manicured lawns gave way to untamed woods; both fighting for a place in this weary world
Elysium passed me by time and again and I saw the beginnings of a little life for myself
Distance from home to surgical center is an estimated 36 minutes by car. Traveling from central
Connecticut down to the shoreline. Arrive in a timely manner for the check-in.

In My Apartment:

I hastily dug through my closet which seemed to stare questioningly back at me
I threw on a button-up and short skirt, starched white and midnight black contrasting each other
I was barer than I’d ever been, gold jewelry and ornate perfumes sat disappointed on my vanity
I kissed my cat goodbye, slipped on my shoes and walked out into new beginnings
No food the midnight before surgery. No clear liquids two hours before surgery. No oils and lotions on the
body. No jewelry or piercings. Have on comfortable clothes, preferably a button up shirt and loose
bottoms.

In the Post-Op Room:

I came to with spots in my vision, two nurses stood bent over gazing at me
I splayed out like some lounging goddess gracing some gilded Renaissance scene
My aunt stood waiting by the door, her gaze of concern washing all over me
I felt my body come alive again, and I knew I had been forever changed,

No lifting any object over seven pounds for the next five weeks. Take two weeks before going back to a
sedentary job, five for an active job. Immediate bed rest is recommended and take medications as
directed. There will be pain, but it all will feel better. Just give it time.

Black Hole

I disguised myself amongst the people at the bus station, a woman interrupted by her own mind
I wonder if they knew of the beast that lived deep within, making a home in the pit of my stomach
My leather purse lay slung over my arm, my eyes scanned the street as cars passed by in droves
I spoke gently to myself under my breath, cooling the storm that churned inside
I clutched my stomach with my hands, pressed down and took a deep breath
I tapped my feet to the beat in my head, my sandals slapping back against cracked concrete
The beast lay satiated for now, but I knew sooner or later it would be time to feed
I ran my sweaty palms through my hair and gazed up at the cloudless sky seeking sweet relief
Let me tell you about the beast, tell you how it came to be
It was born of bloodcurdling agony and all the moments I’d spent courting death
I was once a hunted deer; the more arrows that pierced the more the beast grew
I was broken down to the bone again and again, death by a thousand cuts come true
Whenever I fall to harm, whether purposeful or incidental it grows, oh it grows
Doesn’t matter if it’s by the hands of a stranger, myself, or my closest friends
For the beast feeds on misery, tears it apart like a vulture fresh at its kill
And after it feasts it still needs much more, crying for the hunger that sets in again

The bus pulled up in time and I stepped back as it creaked to a stop
I stepped on and fisted the dollar bills and spare change for the waiting conductor
I went all the way to the back, sitting all by my lonesome watching the others board
I felt the beast growl so softly; I gazed out the open window and knew I couldn’t yet let it go

Stay

Soft loam births the expanse of your being, you burst all at once from salted earth
Angels shot down, angels shot down
I found two- no three crows perched upon my windowsill
I listened to their chatter, talk of the coming winter and the frost that followed suit
Of kites dancing in the breeze and the bubbling laughter of little children
Like dandelion seeds in their sheer multitude
You tried to call to them but your kite lagged behind the herd
I found a penny on my nightstand, rusted ochre and faint emerald
I held it between my thumb and forefinger and flipped it in the air, tails
I knew that to love was to give, to love was to yield your guard
Memories came and went, celebrations danced around my line of sight
You were whole then, simple with your worn-out boots and sweat pooling upon your brow
I did not know what it was to love until I knew what it was to lose
I did not know the path to choose until I saw it in your eyes
Moments passed me by in your embrace, the perennials waited with baited breath
A thousand years condensed into a smile, the words followed suit, “please stay for a while”

Marceline Campbell-Ogbunezu is a 21 year old who lives at the crossroads of multiple intersections. She is a plus-sized transgender Nigerian woman who is currently living in Middletown, Connecticut. She has been published in many journals including The Periphery, Havik Poetry, and the Adirondack Center for Writing. She also served as a guest editor for the Inlandia Magazine 2019 Teen Issue. She dreams to one day be one of the great American poets and is hell-bent on making her mark.