‘The Creation of Joe Costello’

Photographer - Tobi Brun

The Creation of Joe Costello

The man awoke. It felt as though a bullet was ricocheting around his skull, destroying his memories. Closing his eyes, he collected the most basic of information and then saw something glowing deep within. He reached out. From the pulsating mass of grey matter, he pulled out a name.

It was Eric.

Eric gasped. He was sat on a dusty fabric seat, travelling at a high speed, and realised that this was a train. Eric sat, knuckles whitening as he squeezed his thigh. He breathed deep as the carriage plunged into the tunnel. The overhead lights failed to illuminate, burying him and those around in darkness. He breathed out, and when he tried to inhale, his chest tightened. The darkness around was thick. Eric clutched his chest, and his vision faded; he was about to pass out. Then, light flooded the carriage, and with it, air into his lungs. No one else seemed to feel what he did. The woman across the aisle was staring out of the window with longing, and a light, thumping bass came from her headphones. Eric cared little for music; it all sounded the same. In front of the woman sat a suited man, who kept glancing over his shoulder with a look of annoyance, but she didn’t notice.

The sounds of children surrounded Eric, but all he could see was a silent, small girl, standing by the doors holding a red, heart-shaped balloon. She smiled at him, and her eyes held intelligence beyond her years. Then, an announcement rang out; the next stop was coming up. Eric couldn’t remember why he wanted to go here—or even where here was—all he knew was that he had to get away, away from his life. Eric got up and swung his backpack over a shoulder. He approached where the little girl once stood and waited. And through the window, the towering city lay bare before him. Skyscrapers stood on end like the hair on the back of giants. The streets were pristine, and devoid of cars, busses, trucks. People walked through the city; others were on push bikes. Pollution-free air wafted in through the window. Eric smiled as a light mist descended from the sky like an ashen blanket.

The train pulled into the station, and the doors slid open. The terminal was empty, except for several families that stood waiting for those aboard. A woman stripped off her headphones, and ran into the arms of another, kissing them. The suited man lifted a child into the air and smiled, tears gathered within his eyes. But no one waited for Eric, at least, so he thought. Then, from the distance, a dark-skinned man approached. His eyes were light, and his hair dyed a disgusting shade of yellow. He smiled at Eric and said: “Hey Joe, took you long enough.” Before pulling him in for a hug.

Eric went to correct him but realised he couldn’t remember anything about himself. How sure was he that Eric was even his name? The idea of not knowing himself caused a point of pressure to form within his mind—it was about the size of a pinhead. As he thought about it, the name Joe did feel more like him. He did not know who this person was, but he wanted a friend. So, he took the name with pride, and said: “Hey, how are you?”

“I’m good man,” he said. “Come, let me show you to your apartment.”

“How do you know where I’m staying?”

“That’s my job,” the man said with a smile. “Come on then.”

Joe followed the man, not caring to ask for his name. As they left the station and stepped into the street, the mist enveloped them, and Joe could only see several feet in front.

“Where are you from?”

“Nowhere interesting,” Joe said. “Always found myself moving from place to place.” He figured lying was simpler than having to explain his lack of memory.

“Ah, a drifter. Man after my own heart. You see, I’ve been guiding people to their destination for a long, long time. It always warms my heart to help someone like you find their way to where they belong.”

Eventually, the man brought him to one of many high-rise apartment buildings, which punctured deep through the mist and into the sky. As the door came into view, someone walking in ahead of them, and a red heart-shaped balloon slipped inside. He felt oddly at peace here. The city was, in his mind, idyllic and appealed to him on a level deeper than he understood.

“Here we go,” the man said. “If you need anything, just call. You still have my number, right?”

Joe pulled out his phone and looked through his contacts. Blank. “Think it got wiped when I changed SIMS, sorry.”

“No worries, pass it.” The man took the phone and tapped away. “There we go.”

Joe glanced at the phone; the man put himself down as Mike. “Cheers, Mike,” he said. He approached the apartment building and paused. He thought to himself, Do a Columbo.

Joe turned and said, “Remind me, which room is mine?”

Mike laughed. “Penthouse, Lieutenant.” He winked and walked away. After several steps, he too ‘did a Columbo,’ and said, “It should rain soon. Your favourite weather, right?”

Joe nodded and smiled; he didn’t expect this guy to catch on to what he was doing. He figured his weather comment was a lucky guess. Rain is popular, after all. But he waved and entered the building. In the distance, he caught the face of the little girl from the train. The elevator doors slid shut in front of her; he could have sworn she was smiling at him.

Stepping across the threshold into the lobby presented Joe with a cavalcade of scents. The sanitised, sterile smell of a hospital provided a canvas for the aroma of a greasy English breakfast. And despite the smell, and the clinking of silverware, the restaurant across the lobby looked to be empty, with a dim light flickering towards the back end, illuminated various buckets of paint and wooden offcuts. An absence of presence within the hotel increased the pressure building within his frontal lobe. The entire city had this emptiness. It was the same emptiness that permeated from the depths of his soul.

The lobby itself was small, with a circular desk manned by two people sitting in the centre. Behind them, shelves ran along the walls, lined with decorations from plants to statuettes. Above, small bulbs hung onto scaffold shaped wood, like fireflies hanging motionless in the air. Joe approached the desk, and the young woman smiled. She had dark hair cascading down her shoulders and olive skin.

“Mr Costello? We’ve been expecting you. Here’s your key.” She slid it across the table.

Joe Costello? He thought. Sounds more like me than Eric Costello. I’ll take it.

“Sir?” The woman’s name tag read Genevieve. “Everything okay?”

“Sorry, Genevieve. Thank you. I’m in the penthouse, correct?”

“Correct sir. Please, just call reception if you need anything.”

“Will do.” Joe walked towards the lift and hit a button. After several moments, the doors slid open. Revealing a chimpanzee dressed in a white shirt and red vest, loose beige trousers, Joe’s attention was drawn to the red, polka-dotted tie he was wearing.

“Going up?” The chimp said.

“Penthouse, please.”

“Key card, sir.” The chimp held out a calloused hand.

“Oh yeah, of course.” Joe fumbled around and handed him the card. “There you go.” Something felt wrong. Could Chimps speak? Something in the deeper wrinkles of his brain was screaming at Joe, telling him that this was not normal. Eventually, he acted on these urges, and said, “Worked here long?”

“Most of my life, sir.” The chimp slid the card into the elevator panel, and it lurched into action.

 “Is English your first language?”

“Technically.”

“What do you mean?”

“‘Chimpanzee’ isn’t an officially recognised language. Doesn’t matter now that I’m here.”

“Got any family?”

“Please, sir, I would rather not talk about all that.”

“Of course… My apologies.”

“No worries.” The elevator bell dinged. “Ah! Penthouse Floor. Have a lovely stay.”

“Thank you…”

“The name’s Archibald, sir.”

“Thank you, Archibald.” Joe smiled and stepped out. Before him was an almost barren room. The blinds were closed, and the lights were off. The room was illuminated by a television set playing Ransom for A Dead Man. It revealed the all-white room, even the sofa and television set were white. There were no decorations, and the room was hardly furnished. Then, the sound of rain pattering down on the window broke the dulcet tones of Peter Falk. Joe rushed towards the curtain and pulled it open, revealing a large storm overhead. Rain was beating down on the city, and he smiled. Joe walked back towards the white sofa and sat down, drifting to sleep.

He awoke sometime later; the TV had stopped playing Columbo hours ago. The city lights from outside illuminated his room, and on the TV, he could see his reflection. Slouched back on the white sofa was a skinny man, no older than twenty-five. The man was clean-shaven and had dark hair, and even from within the depths of the television, his face distorted as it was, he could see the sadness in his eyes. He couldn’t remember why he was sad; he just was. And the last thing Joe concluded was that he looked nothing like a Joe Costello, the name wasn’t his—he was sure of it. But he had nothing else, so he clung to it. To have at least one thing he could call his was enough to maintain him for now. The material things surrounding him weren’t really his, were they? He had assumed this identity after all. But, even then, within his soul, within the essence of himself they felt like they belonged to him. His brain throbbed from the thought.

Joe pushed himself out of the chair and sauntered towards the television. He knelt and pushed the button; it flickered to life. A blue light bathed the sofa, and Joe slipped back into his seat. The TV flickered. For a moment, a woman’s face appeared. Joe jumped out of his seat, and again it appeared; he couldn’t make out the details. All he could see were red lips and blonde hair. He stayed standing for a moment; the TV fizzled and on it, Bruce Forsyth began introducing contestants on The Price is Right.

Joe shook his head and switched off the television. He was delirious. The day’s events had taken a toll on him. As Bruce’s face disappeared, the room reflected itself at Joe, and behind him, he could see a little girl with a red, heart-shaped balloon. But when he turned around, no one else was to be seen. He took a deep breath and checked his watch. Five A.M. and still dark out, he figured it must be late December or early January. In an instant, his vision faded, and he saw flashes from the past. Fireworks, a blonde hair girl, and liquor were all he caught before something dragged him back to reality.

Joe clutched his chest and limped towards the elevator. On the door was a scribbled note, which read:

I know who you are. Meet me. 8 pm, bar on St. Michael's Street.

Joe couldn’t catch his breath. The pressure within his mind continued to build and hit the elevator button. The memories that flooded him were dissipating fast. Who was that woman? Was she the one on the TV? What about that party, New Year's presumably? Joe figured someone had to know something. Maybe the girl with the balloon could help? Did she write the note? No one else could have. As he pondered this, the elevator slid open to reveal Archibald. “Going down, sir?” he said.

Joe stepped into the elevator and said, “Lobby, if you would.”

“Certainly.”

The two stood there in silence for a minute, until Joe said, “So, Archi, what brought you into this business?”

“There’s something satisfying about helping people who are lost.”

“My driver said something similar when he dropped me off—wait, you believe I’m lost?” 

Archibald let out a thin smile. “If you don’t mind me saying, sir, you do seem extremely lost.”

“Tell me about it.” Joe laughed in an exhausted manner. The way one does not out of bemusement due to defeat. “Honestly, I don’t even know the date.”

“Are you feeling well?”

“If I’m being honest, I can’t remember anything.”

“Why would you divulge this to me, sir?”

“You just have a trustworthy face.”

“It’s because I’m a chimp, isn’t it?”

“What? No, I hardly noticed—”

“It was a joke, sir. Either way, today is the first of January 2023.”

The elevator came to a halt, and the doors slid open. “My stop. Thanks Archi.”

“Just a moment, if you don’t mind, sir,” Archibald said, walking out of the lift. “Perhaps I could come with you, show you around the city? Help with this memory issue?”

“You can’t just leave work, can you?”

“Oh this? This is a hobby. Come on now.” He walked past Joe and gestured for him to follow. “Hey, Genevieve.” He waved to the receptionist. “I’m off out.”

“Stay safe.” She waved to Joe. “If you want breakfast, I recommend the café just down the street. The hotel restaurant is under renovation.”

Joe jogged to catch up; the ape moved faster than expected. He ran out and looked up and down the street. Archibald was nowhere to be seen.

“Archi? Archibald!” His voice echoed across the empty streets, but no one returned the call. His guide disappeared and Joe didn’t feel as though he truly knew himself. The pressure within his mind had swollen so much that it was like a balloon had been inflated within; it was close to bursting.

Not being sure what to do, he decided the best idea would be to follow Genevieve’s suggestion and find the café. As he walked, he continued to yell out for Archibald, but as he did, the rain rolled in and his words were lost in the wind. He couldn’t hear himself over the pattering of rain. It pounded down, harder and harder. It obscured his vision, and he couldn’t see more than three feet in front.

Despite this, Joe was fine. The rain was warm and pleasant to the skin. As it enveloped him, depriving him of all senses, he felt at peace. But then, from the silence and within the grey void outside his vision, came the sound of music. Joe stood still. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was familiar. He stood, letting the rain drench his clothes; they were heavy. Cogs in his mind turned, and he stepped closer. Then another. Soon, he could hear a voice over the bass synth. It clicked. The song was Believe by Cher.

Joe shook his head. Tears ran down his cheeks and into his mouth; their salty taste was the only thing differentiating them from the rain. Wiping his face, he ran. As he did, the café broke into his vision, destroying the sense of deprivation. The music was coming from within but seemed more subdued and, as he entered, it had almost faded in its entirety. It played in the background, overridden by the bustle of conversation. The sweet scent of a buttery sweet coffee dancing up his nasal passage, accompanied by the soft cinnamon notes of a pastry. Taking it in, he figured the beans must have been sourced from Guatemala. When Joe first saw his reflection, he didn’t take himself for a coffee connoisseur, but he figured looks deceive—a fact proven as he approached the counter.

Behind it was a tall, well-built man. A man you’d expect to be cutting into a tree in a forest or cutting open wolves and saving grannies. But here he was, smiling and working at what looked to be a coffee shop.

“Hello,” the lumberjack said. “Can I get a name?”

“Sorry?” Joe was taken aback. The pressure continued to build within.

“Your name.” The man’s tone never strayed away from pleasant.

“But, why?”

“To mark your order. It’s just so no one else takes it by mistake.”

“But I know what mine is.”

“Aye, but no point taking that risk, is there? Just tell me who you are, and we’ll know what yours is.”

“I don’t…” Joe paused. He knew his name wasn’t Eric, nor was it Joe Costello. Was it? If anything, he was more Joe Costello than anyone else—it was all he had. He didn’t know who he was. Letting people assume you are someone is one thing, but pretending to be that person? How long does that last? How long until you are that person and no longer yourself? Joe didn’t know. He had no other identity and didn’t want to let go of what little he had. But also, he saw this as an opportunity. He could become anyone with any name. The name’s Lucian Ambrosius Everard. No, that’s ridiculous. Bruce Willis maybe?

“Are you okay?”

“What?” Joe shook his head.

“Are you okay? What’s your name?”

With that one simple question, the balloon within is mind burst. “Shut up,” Joe said. “Just shut up. Who cares who I am, Eric, Joe, Raphaël, Bruce? I don’t have to tell you anything, you’re just some guy. Leave me alone.” He ran out of the café.

As Joe ran to the door, a girl stood watching across the street. A red heart-shaped balloon hung above her, and she smiled. He pulled open the door, and she was gone. Joe ran across the street, to where she was once stood and looked around. On the floor was a small polaroid which displayed a couple; both of their faces were burnt out. But Joe could make out a man with brown hair and a blonde girl. Joe let his thumb fondle the Polaroid for several moments, before sliding it into his back pocket and heading back to his apartment.

When he arrived, the receptionists were gone. He drifted through the lobby and pondered on what had occurred. The poor barista didn’t deserve that, but the question was too much. What is my name? He thought. I towards the elevator. Soon it arrived and inside stood Archibald. “Archi!” Joe said. “What happened?”

“What do you mean, sir?”

“We left, remember?”

“I never would have left my post.” His lips twitched into a forced smile.

“Are you okay?”

He paused, then pulled Joe in closer. “I shouldn’t have got involved. This is something you must do alone.”

“What? What do you know, Archi?”

The bell rang. “Penthouse!” Archibald said. “See you soon, sir.” With that, he ushered Joe out of the elevator and smiled as the doors shut.

The room had changed. Believe was playing, and Joe realised he enjoyed the song. The room, whilst still white, now had a desktop computer in the corner. It was switched on and its fans hummed beneath Cher’s pitch-shifted notes. On the monitor, a video game was booted, titled, Disco Elysium. The other recent addition was on the television; no longer was it condemned to play solely Columbo and late-night game shows. On it was a homebrew streaming service, which advertised Columbo, alongside all the Die-Hard movies. The time was in the corner of the television, and it read One Thirty in the afternoon.

Somewhere within Joe’s reptilian brain, synapses fired. He stepped back in fear. What was happening? The names he contemplated taking were here. He ran out towards the bedroom. Inside was a plain, white bed facing a bay window revealing the city skyline. In the distance, the sun was falling behind the skyscrapers, which now looked like the silhouette of a hand reaching out, trying to escape an earthy entombment. Joe checked his watch; it was now six in the evening.

“What the…” he muttered and looked to the bed, a suit had been lain out for him, with a note. Wear this x.

He got dressed and returned to the elevator. When the doors opened, inside was a small, bald man. He was so old that it was impossible to guess, anywhere from seventy to one hundred. The man smiled as Joe entered. “Going down?” he said.

“Where’s Archi?”

“Say again, my hearing ain’t what it used to be.” The man’s hands were shaking as he hit a button.

“The ape? Archibald?”

“An ape? As an elevator operative? Surely not.” The man shook his head in disapproval.

“I’m being serious. He was here just a few hours ago!”

“If you see an ape, you should call the zoo or something.”

“But he could talk!”

“I see what you’re doing. Very funny kid, it isn’t polite to prank the elderly.” The old man smiled as he spoke, and the bell rang. “Lobby!” he called out.

“One second, sir,” Joe said with as much politeness as he could muster. “Which way is it to St. Michael's Street?”

“Left when you leave, cross the street and head straight until you reach a crossroads. Then right.”

“Thank you.” Joe walked away, confused. What happened to Archibald? Whatever it was, he didn’t have time. He ran outside. He had to find this bar. Maybe it had the answers.

He was met with crisp air and empty streets; the lights of the city were off. In the silent darkness, the only sound came from Joe’s feet beating the concrete. He ran for twenty minutes, and soon he came across a sign for St. Michaels. Doubling over, he hyperventilated. He couldn’t remember the last time he ran, and then he laughed at the thought. He gave himself two minutes before standing straight. This street was like the others, apart from a neon sign in the distance. The words were hazy from where he stood, so he couldn’t make out the name, but it had to be the bar; nowhere else was open.

As he approached, the sign came into focus. In pink neon, it read: Claire’s Castle. Below the sign stood a bouncer. As Joe came closer, the man nodded and gestured for him to enter.

Something changed as he stepped through the door. The bar was of a higher class than it appeared. The lighting was dim, but warm. And within were red sofas, all of which were occupied by familiar faces. Mike was sitting with Genevieve and the other receptionist. The suited man from the train was here with the elderly elevator operative, and behind the bar was Archibald. Serving a drink to the barista Joe had fled from. For a moment, Joe and Archibald locked eyes; the ape shook his head and nodded towards the end of the bar. Standing there, alone, was the girl with the red balloon.

She smiled and gestured for Joe to approach. As he did, someone walked past him, and the scene shifted. The girl in the red balloon was gone. Replaced by a small table and two chairs. Sat down was the blonde-haired woman, the balloon in hand.

Joe sat opposite her, and she smiled. After several minutes, he broke the silence with, “Who are you?”

“Wow, straight to business.” Her voice was that of a child’s. “The better question is, who are you?”

“I’m—”

“Easy, no need to decide right now.”

“What?”

“Ask me another question. Humour me,” she said.

“Right… Where are we?”

“Come on. Look around and you’ll figure it out.”

Joe looked around the room and concentrated on the faces. Recognising no one, he shifted to the smell, and finally the sounds. As he did, the music faded into existence. Believe. “New Year’s Eve, 2022,” he said.

“Great work, detective.” A wry smile danced across her lips.

“Why are we here?”

“To find out who you are.”

“What about that other place?”

“Where do you think that was?”

Joe paused. Deep in his heart, he knew, but he had never accepted it. Even now, he couldn’t say it aloud. “Does that mean you’re…”

Her smile was sad. “You’re an interesting case. Before arriving, you were stripped of your memory. It took me a while, and some observing, but I figured out a way for you to take it back. All of it.”

“How?”

“Look. If you do this, there’s no going back. The pain of the past will haunt you. Forever. And you will live with it. Leave this memory, return to the city and you will enjoy a new existence, as someone without the weight of the past haunting them.”

“Say I leave and abandon my memories. What about my name?”

“Why do you care about a name?”

“That’s who I am.”

“Is it?” She cocked her head. “Have you ever heard of the ship of Theseus? The idea is, if you have a ship and over the years, you replace the parts. You change everything about it: the crew, the sails, the type of wood used for the stern. If all that is changed, is it still the same ship? Just the name remains unchanged. In my mind, the ship ceases to be when the crew is gone. Without them, the ship is simply a ship—no matter the construction.”

“But I’ve only lost my memories.”

“Your crew,” she said. “You’re just an empty vessel now.”

“Even without the crew, the ship still belongs to Theseus.”

“Does it? If an empty vessel is drifting across the sea, would you know which ship it is? Without the crew, there’s no identity. Without memory, you’re nobody. What are we, if not our experiences?”

“I don’t want to be nobody.”

“Then become someone new. You need to let go of the past; the name means nothing. I am giving you an opportunity to be someone else, to live a new, better life. You’re more Joe Costello than the man who walked into this bar on New Year’s Eve. If I tell you this other name, then it is meaningless without the memories to go with it.”

“But those memories are already leaking through. I can’t change who I am.”

“Are they? What if those flashes of memory are simply your brain attempting to fill in the gap? Your brain reached into its depths and pulled out what it could. The name Eric?” She paused. “Just a Pratchett novel.”

“What? I must have reached out to that for a reason.”

“Do you remember anything about it? Do you like it? Maybe you hate it. You don’t know, your brain just took what it could. It knows Columbo exists and decided you like it. Storms? Everyone loves them.”

“But why? Surely I’d remember nothing if I didn’t care for them?”

She sighed. “Without something for your consciousness to spring from, you’d be a philosophical zombie. Yes, your body would continue as normal, but you. A conscious individual. You’d be nothing. It saved you. And you should know that creating a personality on the fly isn’t easy, and memory is such a fickle mistress; most memories from childhood are not real. They’re events created by your brain based on the anecdotes of those around you.”

“What are my options, then?”

“You can relive this night and spend the rest of your time holding on. Or you can leave and continue living as Joe Costello. A fresh start. That’s what you wanted. That’s how you got here.”

“Will I see these people again?”

“Only if you stay. But then, you won’t want to.”

Joe looked back towards the doorway. From it came the warm, welcoming light of Claire’s Castle. He couldn’t see anything within the orange haze. Having decided, he looked back toward the woman; she was gone. In her place was the little girl, her red balloon slipped out of her hand, clinging to the ceiling. Joe stood and took one last look around the room. At the faces, which he realised now meant nothing to him. He approached the door and leaned against the doorframe.

Without looking back, Joe Costello smiled before letting go.

Jordon Jones has a MA Creative Writing and a BA in History from the University of Lincoln. He is originally from the northern town of Warrington, and his passion for storytelling started young.