“It Really Wasn’t That Bad”
Dane Kaiser
“It Really Wasn’t That Bad”
Good Housekeeping
Hit…or Miss
October 1953
You know, don’t you, how it feels to go to a party and suddenly see a boy who makes all those lovely, romantic songs seem like far more than wishful thinking? You don’t, of course, bound in his direction with a glad hunting cry—you’re too subtle for that. But inside of thirty seconds you’ve managed to be introduced, and then out comes your bag of tricks: the most adorable giggle, that fascinated-with-him air, the ultrafeminine look, the cleverest conversation. If he likes baseball, so do you; and if he’d rather not dance, you quite agree. You’re not so obvious as to stick to his side all evening—but somehow you seem to find yourself accidentally in his vicinity every little now and then. And the next day you wait for him to call (How could he resist your best efforts?) and you wait—and wait. The phone rings. It’s someone else you met last night—but never, no never, the one who matters. But why? Sweetie, if it’s any comfort, there isn’t a gal who hasn’t asked that same question, from Mata Hari on down. The dismal answer is that nothing has less appeal to an attractive man than a woman on conquest bent. If you frighten him at the beginning with a shade too much charm, a touch too much amiability, his guard goes right up, even if he might have liked you. We don’t say ignore him or pick a fight; but if you can just manage to treat him with the same unanxious friendliness with which you treat everyone else, you’ll give yourself a chance. And just one chance is probably all you’ll need.
Family Circle
Teen Scene
January 1954
This is the time of year when the social column if every newspaper and magazine is loaded with envy- making items about people going to Bermuda, Sun Valley, and Miami Beach. “Tough” we used to mutter bitterly and begin counting the days ‘til spring. Recently we’ve smartened up and discovered how, without leaving our own back yard, we can have that new-person feeling a winter vacation is supposed to give.
A new vista—Notice that most of the vacation ads play up the new-vistas, change-of-routine business? Let’s take a cue from that. How about the vista that greets you from the mirror day after day? How long since you’ve changed your hair style or the color of your lipstick? Have the brows you once considered strong and Liz Taylor-ish grown downright beetled? We suggest you give a pajama party at which all the gals tear each other apart constructively. After getting their verdict and your own, do something about yourself. Knowing you look pretty darned attractive as good morale-lifter as a trip to Havana is.
First Romance
June 1954
Dear Jane,
I am 15 years old and I am in love with a boy who is 19. We used to go together about a year ago, and I saw him about a week ago for the first time in 6 months. He is in the army now and I would like to know what I should do about my love for him.
G.M., Detroit, Mich.
Why not state writing to him, friendly news-y letters, not love letters. Your recent chance meeting with him offers a perfect opening wedge. All servicemen appreciate letters from home, and he’s bound to appreciate yours. Whether this appreciation will rekindle the ashes of your former romance only time will tell.
Playboy
Playboy Party Jokes
May 1955
A young virgin, suffering from acute nervousness due to repressed desires, paid a visit to a highly recommended psychiatrist. The doctor took one look at the voluptuous maiden and lost all his professional objectivity. “Take off your clothes,” he ordered, scarcely able to disguise the lust in his voice. “Now lie down on this couch. Now close your eyes and, very slowly, spell the word, ‘bedroom.’”
She began: “B…E…D…R…oh!...Ohhhhhhhhhh…Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.”
She was cured.
Playboy
Don’t Hate Yourself in the Morning
August 1955
More bachelors than you would suppose have a tender conscience about the seduction of females. Often they will put on the brakes if a woman looks at them wistfully and whispers, “Oh, please don’t…please!” They also feel like heels if, after a roll in the hay, the woman weeps inconsolably or tragically views herself as damaged beyond repair.
The unvarnished truth in most such cases is that the lady is willing, but wants to go on record as protesting and regretting. She needs to assuage whatever shreds of conscience may still be irritating her. She also has more to gain by making the man feel a moral obligation, which he would not if he judges from her surrender that she is a roundheels.
Playboy
Limericks
November 1955
There was a young lady named Twilling,
Who went to her dentist for a drilling,
Because of depravity,
He filled the wrong cavity,
And now Twilling’s nursing her filling.
Good Housekeeping
Teens of Our Times: Love, Life, and Lipstick
January 1957
There are two kinds of pretty girl. One kind is ever so publicly pretty—but what she looks like in the privacy of her home, only her family knows, and they’d be ashamed to tell. By now they’re more or less resigned to seeing her slop around like a pin-curled ghost in dirty blue jeans amid the chaos of her bedroom—but that doesn’t mean they like it.
And then there’s the other kind. When she has an audience, she’s delightful to look at too. But she doesn’t feel that her home and family aren’t really worth bothering about. Of course, she can’t always sit around in a flowing peignoir like [a] dreamy lady, but if she has to appear at pin-curl time she covers her hair with a scarf and makes sure her lipstick is on. If it’s blue jeans she’s wearing, they’re cleaned and worn with a good-looking shirt. And she never, never shows up for a family dinner in the less glamourous stages of preparation for a date.
And it’s all because she’s smart as well as pretty—smart enough to know that it’s not just intolerably rude to be a mess in her own home, but that this attitude creates an ingrained habit that, later on, no husband will overlook with the long-suffering of a loving family!
Good Housekeeping
Love, Life, and Lipstick: Conversation Piece
May 1958
If your alleged conversations with the mature put you in mind of a cross-examination—“How do you like school?” or, “What are you going to be when you grown up?” or, truculently, “What do you think of Elvis?”—you may be a bit to blame. No matter what his age group, you have to give a man a gambit. The silver-templed creatures of another generation may have little idea of what makes you tick, and sometimes this holds true for your own father. That’s why they fall back on cliches.
If you want to go in training for a femme fatale (and learn somethin in the bargain), take some interest in the interests of your uncle or that ancient, fifty-year-old family friend. Ask him to explain something that’s been puzzling you—labor unions, maybe, or TV rating systems, or the high salary of Ted Williams. Then listen! He will positively expand, and before you know it, you may be having a real conversation. You may make a friend for life, and there’s no better practice in man handling.
TEEN
Dear Jill
May 1958
Dear Jill:
Last week after a date I came home about 2:00—in the morning that is. As soon as I opened the door, my father smacked me across the face. The fella I was with saw this and ran and I don’t think I will see him again. This is about the fifth time this sort of thing has happened. My mother is afraid of my father so she doesn’t say anything. In fact, every once in a while he gives her a good smacker too. So I can’t have any boy friends come to the house. I know it’s hard to give advice on a deal like this, but can you help me?
T.R.
Baltimore, Md.
Dear T.R.:
Why did your father slap you? I presume you returned home later than curfew or violated his trust in some other way. Of course it is awkward when something like this occurs, but if you’ll make an effort to find out what upsets your dad to this point, you can avoid a repeat performance.
If your father does not object to your dating in general, maybe he feels that having fellows hanging around the house is an invasion of his privacy. If so, why not meet them at the door instead of asking them in. Then some night when your father will not be home, ask them over. (Provided your mother is in residence.) This way you can still show your hospitality.
Good Housekeeping
Hold That Line!
August 1958
“Calorie wisors” are new defense weapons developed by some North Carolina boys to protect their wallets at drive-in restaurants…the boys attach a mirror to the back of the car’s right-hand sun visor; put next to it a list of calorie values of typical items on the menu—hamburger with ten French fries, 450; banana split, 530; Coke, 75; etc.—and slyly suggest girls check their make-up before ordering!
Good Housekeeping
The Date Line: Fact and Fancies for the Girl in School
November 1958
To snare dates, some sly Iowa boys patronize the baby-sitting booths at church bazaars...booths that sell tickets—donated by girls and meant for busy mothers—that guarantee the buyer an hour or more of the girl’s time!
Playboy
Playboy’s Party Jokes
August 1959
These days too many beautiful women are spoiling their attractiveness by using four-letter words—like don’t, and can’t, and won’t.
Melissa Ford Lucken is a professor of creative writing and composition at Lansing Community College. She hosts the podcast, Washington Square OnAir and serves as editor of the college’s literary journal, Washington Square Review.
