‘I’m Not A Writer’ & ‘To Feel Something’

Donald Patten is an artist and cartoonist from Belfast, Maine. He produces oil paintings, illustrations, ceramic pieces and graphic novels. His art has been exhibited in galleries across Maine. His online portfolio is donaldlpatten.newgrounds.com/art

I’m Not A Writer

I never imagined my fingertips would wrap around a plastic black pen. 

Never imagined my limbs would run feverishly until the ink kisses the side of my index finger, leaving a hickey on the inside of my knuckles 

I never thought hours would fly by as I brought to life the night sky that pulled back the curtain of time and exploded all my dreams into a metro shower of possibilities 

But then again, I also never thought I would want to go back to that night 

The night when we laid our backs effortlessly across the feathery, moist grass As the sky slightly cried 

My caramelized skin, breathing to life as each drop melts into place 

Causing my rib cage to break with a breath that finally allows me to feel alive again And I notice that maybe I’ve spent my whole life decaying 

Maybe I’ve spent my whole life in a heart that never noticed it wasn’t beating 

Then you appeared 

Whispering a secret song, as your bottom lip rolled against my ear 

I love you, I love you, my dear 

Even as the sun overtakes, the moon and the stars fall to the earth and turn into flowers that bloom. 

Even when the water pulls back into the sea, and the thunderstorms awaken the rainbow's destiny. I love you until my heart can’t beat, and even after that, I’ll love you until life itself disappears from reality 

And for the first time, I look at you 

Beholding the almond shape dark brown puddles of your eyes 

I always thought blue eyes were the footprints that the angels left behind As they splashed in the puddle of a miraculous baptism left behind by a soul who finally let out the wailing deep bellyache of a songbird who accepted that beauty can only come after a good cry 

But staring back at you, I can’t help but feel as if every truth I’ve ever believed was a lie 

I never noticed that brown eyes can warm up limbs like a fire shot of whiskey as it travels the lengthen of your body 

I never noticed that brown eyes can bath you in the sweetest dark chocolate, making you crazed with a sugar-like addiction that crawls down the length of your tongue until you scream for a taste 

Allowing you to get lost in a cave of mystery while the darkness covers your flesh in a way that makes you feel safe

Because even if the world disintegrates and the ground beneath my feet shakes, I can still hide away in the mountaintop of your eyes until the rise of daylight 

The tip of my pen rips through the paper 

As my cheeks get soaked in the calling of the songbird who has possessed me Because all the “ I never” has rolled up my sleeves, past the bridge of my chest, setting up house in the dry, barren hole of my neck 

I use my right hand to cradle my left in a desperate hug, hoping that it can smooth the vicious shake 

Just long enough so that I can share our story 

I never thought that we would lay in the starch-white sheets tucked into the sides of a gurney As I moved the wires that tangle against your throat so that they are spread out over my chest, I rested my lips against your Adam's apple 

Holding onto your fragile blue-tinted pale skin as I repeat our secret over and over again I love you, I love you, my dear 

Even as the sun overtakes, the moon and the stars fall to the earth and turn into flowers that bloom. 

Even when the water pulls back into the sea, and the thunderstorms awaken the rainbow's destiny. I love you until my heart can’t beat, and even after that, I’ll love you until life itself disappears from reality 

I am not a writer 

But I’ll write your story until all the ink on earth bleeds onto a page 

And even then, I don’t think I could find an end 

So I guess I’ll just- 

To Feel Something

Sweat drips down my bare chest 

Drowning my mint green cotton sheets with chocolate milk that pours out of every open pore Until it slides off the side of the bed frame, leaving a pitter-patter that overshadows my heartbeat In a way that makes me wonder if I’m alive anymore 

My rib cage pinned against my moist skin 

Rising high against the sunken design of a hollow stomach 

Mumbling the hymns of a ransacked sand dust, wooden pantry 

Hiding the family of three blind mice who stole my eyes to replace their sight before claiming it as dumb luck, while their paws are painted with my blood 

My tongue pulls backwards to warm my throat with a thick glob of spit 

Causing the center of my being to rebel in a quake that rattles the axis of my frame Sending a wave that viciously vibrates while my soul shatters under its weight Folding my bones in an origami fetal shape 

I tuck the sides of my pillow cheeks to bed in the palm of my hands 

Whispering a prayer that I’m afraid to speak freely 

As the light orange rays of the sun slowly crawl up my back 

Stringing together syllables that slipped through the cracks- hanging down my spine before disappearing as my breath escapes me 

The paint-chipped yellow walls cry out, echoing the pleads of someone who once roamed wildly Zig-zagging through electric green grass as it flows in a breeze against the base of her knees Nurturing the flesh left exposed on her shoulder blades with God's gaze 

Bouncing on the trampoline of vivacious joy that gave others cause to believe 

Now, her frame stays bent in an empty room 

As her cries replaster the holes in the wall 

With the misty scent of a human trying 

Shaking the dice with the hope of snake eyes 

Just so someone can hear her hissing- 

“Lord, please let me feel something”

Kache' Attyana Mumford is a poet, actor and creative arts therapist.